I just want you to know, that I miss talking to you.
I miss spilling out my mind and pouring my heart to you.
I miss complaining about my life and messed up feeling to you.
You were my best friend, a guidance.
But now, when I try to talk to you, it’s just not the same anymore.
I am still trying to figure out why you pushed me away and why we lost it all, but this shall remain a mystery.
Reblog1 month ago with 0 notesI forgot your name.
I realised I did when your song played. It played and played and played, even though it was never on repeat.
I wished I could tell you that, you still cross my mind. From time to time. Every once in a while. Maybe not as often as you used to show up in my nightmares every night for many months, but you still do. I am not sure why you do but I think it has to do with the fact that whenever someone scars me, they accidentally open the healed ones you’ve once caused.
Maybe it’s good that I still haven’t forgotten you… maybe this is a reminder that I will never accept to be ‘that girl” again… maybe it is a slap on the face when I need to wake up from this beautiful dream. Maybe you are protecting me. And maybe it’s just your curse.
You know what I’ve always hated about happiness? How it always betrays you. It comes out of nowhere and it makes you feel like you’re on top of the world , and suddenly, it pushes you and you fall so hard till you break.
Happiness is temporary.
But then again, so is sadness.
Today I imagined myself take the gun and aim it at my own head. Underwater.
Tonight, I realized, nothing changed and you’re not who I thought you would be when things get tough.
I imagined myself fly off that big green mountain. And I fell.
Help, I am alive.
All I want is the ability to put those thoughts and feelings into simple sentences.
A form of expression, A way to let go, A psychological relief.
My notebook, my diary, my best friend, my getaway and my source of freedom. Break those chains, untie my heart. Teach me how to be me. Guide me to my soul. Show me how to listen to it.
But even that, I lost. And what am I if I feel like my soul is forever trapped in a lost cage?
Happiness is always temporary. Even when it’s there, something always seems to be missing.
And I know I wrote this hundreds of times, and I know I keep saying it over and over again. But I am sick of this, I am truly sick of this and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to run away anonymously and I don’t want to pathetically spill my heart out to a blank page that no one will ever bother to look at in a million years. And I don’t want to crawl under my blanket and cry my heart out, I don’t want to be miserable and I don’t want to be addicted to this depression. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to feel broken and I don’t want anybody fixing me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to put back the pieces together. I don’t want my dreams to hunt me forever, and I don’t want to be insomniac for the rest of my life.
I am sick of feeling like my sadness will explode right through me and fill this world. I am sick of this overwhelming pain I feel in my heart. I can’t carry this weight on my shoulders nor on my chest anymore. I am sick of always feeling like someone is sucking the oxygen out of my lungs.
And quite frankly, I don’t know what I want.
Reblog5 months ago with 0 notesBeing wrapped in 5 layers of clothing, cold, curled on my couch on a lonely night didn’t matter. All that mattered was that we were both under the same sky, watching the same moon. And despite the distance, I felt your hand touch mine. I felt your gentle hand on my back, just like the first time I met you, and you told me everything will be okay.
But I wanted to rest on your chest and count your heartbeats. If I could do that, would I pull your heart out to keep it forever and never let you go? Would my selfishness get to me?
I just wanted to pick up my phone and ask you one question
tell me now, love, how long will this last?
Reblog5 months ago with 0 notesToday I realized that the problem isn’t that my dreams are pointless. I realized my dreams aren’t too unrealistic. I realized it’s not me who’s asking for too much and it’s not me who deserves much less.
Today… I realized that you are my problem. You have always been my problem. You repeatedly try to knock me down as if I am not a piece of you. You don’t recognize me nor recognize my vision. You only recognize yourself and you, somehow, think of me as a slave who should only obey you.
I realized, today, that I will always be trapped in your cage. That cage that imprisons me and those chains that always tightly hold me back.
Today, I finally realized that the only way to break free is to run away from you somewhere far away, where you can never find me. I would never see your face again, and you would never see mine.
I have made up my mind long ago about running away, I just never knew it.
Soon. You just wait.
Reblog6 months ago with 0 notesIt was one of those nights where everything seemes to fall apart. Whenever you look around, you see everything you ever loved or valued break and shatter. It’s going to feel like the end of the world. The end of everything… And you think “this can never be fixed”.
You might be wrong… But then again, you might be exactly right.
And this is when the hidden truth comes out, this is when you say the things you were longing to speak and this is when you confess your darkest secrets and face your ugliest fears.
It was one of those nights.
I looked at you and said, I warned you I am a messed up person. I warned you I am a mess.
I could say I expected a positive reaction but I honestly expected the worst. I knew I was messed up, It wasn’t just talk.
And yes I am fragile, but you never cared.
I loved watching your tempting lips form that charming smile, and hearing the soothing words that slipped smoothly on your tongue.
And yet again, it hit me…
I love you.
It was one of those nights
where everything fell apart
only to fall right into place
I look around me and I see so many things.
Things I can’t explain nor express in any way.
These things hit you so hard when felt, and I doubt many feel it.
They are things that give you heartache and nostalgia at the exact same time.
Things that make you wonder who you are and what you’re doing here and where you belong. They give you flashbacks about everything that ever happened in your life and everyone you know or ever met… And it all happens in a second, if not a moment.
